I was lying to myself and everyone else for years about my health. What started as an innocent “I just want to lose 10 lbs” turned into an unhealthy relationship with myself and food.
I hired someone to write my first ever meal plan in 2014. I knew a little bit about food and a lot about training and didn’t understand how to properly unite the two. I lost weight on the plan, but I also lost the ability to make my own decisions when it came to meals. I was so reliant on eating what a piece of paper told me that I forgot to listen to my own body.
My “before” and “after” photos of the first diet.
I was constantly stressed about going “off plan” and felt like I was cheating on myself if I didn’t eat the exact type of rice that was written in the plan. I mean, there’s a huge difference, right?! (joking) When I think back to those times, I feel a sense of panic build in my chest. I so badly wanted to lose weight but I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself and that it would take years to undo what I blindly agreed to.
Being pleased with my progress, I continued with the meal plans, continued to lose weight, and felt more confident. I also started to feel more fatigued, have more stomach aches, and get irregular periods.
“Hm, I guess that doesn’t matter if I am skinny, right?” is what I would think to myself.
Growing up, I was never the skinny girl. I had muscular thighs, hips and a butt. I didn’t appreciate it growing up because I felt like an outsider. My parents are Greek immigrants and I already felt like an outsider compared to most of my peers, so the obvious exterior differences made things worse for me growing up.
At some point, and I truly don’t know when, I had a moment of clarity where I felt like following a specific meal plan wasn’t sustainable. I saw that others in the “online fitness space” were eating more than me, had better training numbers (as in, they were super strong), and seemed happier and not hungry ALL THE TIME. I thought, “Maybe I should try that.”
So, doing what I did best at that time, I hired another coach. I was sure this time would be different. We started with “macro counting” which means I was given a goal amount of protein, carbohydrates and fat to eat for the day. Seemed much more flexible than what I was used to since I wasn’t tied to specific foods for specific meals. I did get stronger and my body composition was really great, too, but something still felt off.
Despite always being exhausted, I had small arms and that’s all that mattered to me.
I think it’s appropriate to add that, at this time, another reason I hired this coach to help me diet for my wedding and I got pretty small. I remember feeling so proud of myself when people would tell me how “tiny” I was. That’s pretty much all I cared about despite knowing something was still off with me.
I stayed with that coaching program for a few years which entailed me losing weight, then gaining 30 lbs in 3 months, then losing weight again. I was teaching in a classroom that was very stressful for me. I was responsible for students with medical needs and the pressure was intolerable. That school year, I gained weight, lost weight and learned the meaning of hypothalamic pituitary adrenal (HPA) axis dysregulation (adrenal fatigue) personally. My body literally felt like it was shutting down and every day I questioned, “Is today the day it all ends?”
After losing a lot of weight, I had gained 30 lbs in 3 months and was so uncomfortable in this photo.
As you can imagine, I reached my limit. I couldn’t do another meal plan or another check-in photo of me in my swimsuit. I just couldn’t tolerate the constant feeling that my exterior was the only measure of progress while completely ignoring the other symptoms my body was begging me to pay attention to. There had to be more.
In the time after that “wedding prep” coach, I was able to stay fairly consistent with my weight. I didn’t think about it too much as I was going through a quarter life crisis trying to figure out what I wanted to do for work. That’s when things took another turn…
I stumbled upon several accounts on Instagram of women who were going through the same thing as me: weight gain, weight loss, debilitating anxiety, depression, gut issues, apathy, etc. In a way, I was happy to know I wasn’t alone; although, it’s not a club that I recommend joining. Almost everyone was “speaking my language” and I felt like I had found my tribe.
I researched for hours on my own (something I never used to do) and decided that it was time to be the leader in my health. I have an autoimmune disease (Hashimoto’s) and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and I knew that my life was going to be on this never-ending roller coaster if I didn’t take a stand once and for all. Obviously, what I had been doing wasn’t working or else I wouldn’t be hours-deep on a stranger’s Instagram account nodding my head up down in agreement with her own story.
So I hired a coach.
I know what you’re thinking. “No!! Evie!! You know this doesn’t work for you!!”
But wait. Just listen. We’re almost to the point of all this.
This coach was different. He was a functional medicine-trained coach who used a “whole person” approach to coaching. He didn’t look at just symptoms, but instead, looked at the cause of the symptoms. I learned so much from him and he is a huge reason why I am a coach today. Together, we discussed lifestyle factors that were impacting my health and how those were more important than the food on my plate. I learned to manage my stress, prioritize my sleep and to never stop advocating for myself.
Working with my body and not against it.
I have also shifted my perspective on my body. I don’t force body positivity; rather, I practice body neutrality most days. I celebrate my body in the way that it performs, communicates with me, and looks. I understand my body will constantly change and I accept those changes. I, of course, value health and don’t believe that we should neglect proper nutrition and exercise and let our internal functional systems fail for the sake of “body positivity.” I am not that coach, either. I am just saying that if we are truly healthy from a metabolic/functional state, then the aesthetics can be secondary.
I now know how to build meals to support my hormones, thyroid and gut. I don’t only rely on set macros to fuel my days (although, that is a tool I occasionally go back to). I know that one “off plan” meal is not going to derail me from my goals. I also know that my goals are bigger than my aesthetics. I now track my progress using these tools:
Pictures
Weight
Measurements
Sleep data
My period/ovulation data
My poop :-)
My mood
Today, I am a certified holistic health coach who is hungry for more. I know there is more to learn, but I will say that I have learned a lot from my own journey. From strict meal plans to eating whole, nutrient-dense foods that are grown in the Earth, I now know what my body needs and craves. I see the beautiful side of food and nutrition that was lost within the strict meal plan structure that I started in years ago.
Because of this experience, I can lead my clients confidently. I have always believed that I lead from where I have been. I’ve been in the trenches of feeling like there’s more to life but not quite sure how to get there. I’ve been in the mindset that strict meal plans are your only hope. I get it, but I am also here to tell you that I can guide you out of that.
If you’re ready to properly fuel your body, learn how to nourish and appreciate it, and get off the weight loss roller coaster, then schedule a free consultation with me here. You are worth it.
Too Long, Didn’t Read; Sure, being “skinny” is nice, but not if if your insides are suffering. Learn to understand your body, fuel it, and measure progress in other ways besides just the aesthetics.